The 10 weirdest Toronto kid's shows of all time

Every generation has a slate of local kids TV shows that seem to transcend the medium, and not always in a good way. Although Toronto has never produced anything as truly bananas as Teletubbies or Boohbah in modern times, we pretty much owned the genre in the 1980s after unleashing an avalanche of utterly loopy kids programs onto an unsuspecting public - the effects of which probably still keep a fair amount of Psychiatrists busy today.

Childhood is already a crazy enough time, never mind the weird stuff we see on TV or at school which involve puppets, clowns, talking Police cars or friendly old men in freshly ironed beige sweaters. Much of this stuff has a tendency to get repressed for decades, only to be blown asunder by one wrong turn on YouTube. Be careful where you click.

This is not an affront on any of the shows mentioned below - quite the opposite. These are the 10 nuttiest, most brilliantly insane slabs of Toronto TV culture that equally inspired and shocked a generation of kids in the city, the province, the country and around the world. Most of them are still talked about in hushed and revered tones: A doff of the hat in their general direction, always.

These are my selections for the 10 craziest Toronto kid's shows of all time.

Today's Special

TVOntario series which attained a massive cult following in the United States thanks to its appearance on Nickelodeon. Mannequin Jeff magically comes to life after hours at the downtown Simpson's department store and experiences the joys and sorrows of life along with his friends Jody, Muffy and security guard Sam Crenshaw. Many unforgettable moments, including episodes about alcoholism, death and jealously and musical guests as varied as Bruce Cockburn and Oscar Peterson. Criminally unavailable on home video or online, other than fuzzy off-air recordings.

Rocket Robin Hood

Canada's first colour cartoon series in 1967 was animated and dubbed in Toronto, but looked cheap as chips even with a purported budget of almost $2 million dollars. Best remembered for its head-ache inducing, infinitely looped psychedelic intro, and the completely cuckoo episode "Dementia 5" about trans-dimensional demons who turn up in an almost identical episode of Spider-Man .

The Elephant Show

Sharon, Lois and Bram were like the original Wiggles - folk singing grown-ups whose music was strangely irresistible to youngsters. Their TV show mixed live concert footage with life lesson parables starring an Elephant costume who spoke only in Tuba bursts. Shot in and around Toronto and featuring reputable guest actors like Lois Del Grande, Andrea Martin and the legendary Maury Chaykin (RIP).

Read All About It!

Extremely spooky edu-tainment screened in classrooms to teach Grade 5's writing and grammar in the 1980s, this TVOntario Sci-Fi serial mostly played like a Toronto set episode of Doctor Who, with an evil alien warlord (floating silver head Duneedon), time travel back to the War of 1812 and sentient monitors and type-writers.

The giallo-esq overtones in the opening episode ("The Coach House") alone elevate this creepshow to the upper pantheon of classic WTF Canadian television. Created and written by Clive Endersby (who also novelized the series), a veteran of other classic TVO fare such as Today's Special and Dear Aunt Agnes.

Just Like Mom

After running for what felt like an eternity, "wholesome" memories of the Toronto shot Just Like Mom game show seemed to consist mostly of announcer Dave Devall, shots of Camp Onondaga, and kids baking shitty looking cookies. That is until someone uploaded a supercut of host Fergie Oliver's creepy behaviour and the whole thing took on a sinister ick factor that would be impossible to unsee now.

Circle Square

Well-intentioned religious kid's show unmercifully teased in the 1970s and 80s for its overt zeal and hokey sing-alongs. Featuring a revolving group of kid hosts (including a young Marci Ien, better known now as co-host of Canada AM) and some poorly made puppets who focused on life lessons through the prism of Christianity. Most people of a certain age could sing you the theme song, forever the bane of waking up too early for Saturday morning cartoons.

The Friendly Giant

Serene TV magic featured the baritone voiced Bob Homme, a giant amongst men, telling stories and playing music with his puppet friends Jerome the Giraffe and Rusty the Rooster in a Castle way up in the sky. Running at 15 minutes per episode, featuring a conversational tone, freestyle jazz sessions, and a silver haired host, this type of show has been unimaginable since the early 1990s.

The Hilarious House of Frightenstein

Frankly bonkers sketch comedy show for kids featuring man-of-a-thousand faces Billy Van as multiple gruesome characters inhabiting the titular House, alongside Vincent Price, Fishka Rais and Guy Big (supposedly the inspiration for the Austin Power's Mini-Me character). Although shot in the Hammer, this was Toronto man Billy Van's playhouse; his menagerie of monstrous types included Grizelda, The Librarian, Bwana Clyde Batty, Dr. Pet Vet, The Wolfman, and The Oracle. Even after 4 decades this unique and brilliantly demented series still defies sense, genre or even definition.

Uncle Bobby

Like some lost character from a Paul Thomas Anderson film, Uncle Bobby remains as mysterious today as he was back in the 1960s when he started daily at CFTO in Toronto. Portrayed by ex-pat Bobby Ash (who also drove School busses part time and showed up at kids' birthday parties), Uncle Bobby had strange wisdom to impart upon kids ("Be good, but not so very, very good that someone comes up to you and asks what have you been up to?") and also a Pied Piper like ability to inspire and lead them. Memorable bits on his show included Bimbo the Birthday clown, helpful and friendly Police officers discussing traffic safety, and magicians (later replaced by robots).

Polka Dot Door

Based upon the popular BBC kid's show Play School , Polka Dot Door is now best remembered for its monosyllabic mascot Polkaroo (catchphrase: "Polkaroo!").The series rain daily from 1971 until 1993 on TVOntario, during which time the male host always managed to step away and miss Polkaroo due to the creature's affinity with the female hosts (quote: "Polkaroo was here, and I missed him again?").

Other notable characters included the long suffering toys (Humpty, Dumpty, Marigold and Bear) who spoke in silent code, inanimate story-time mouse, and rarely seen French Canadian cat Minou. During its peak, Polka Dot Door was sold to more countries than the mighty Sesame Street. In the mid-90s it was bizarrely reborn as Polka Dot Shorts in which the human hosts were replaced by brash talking toys and a re-imagined Polkaroo blabbed away with a huge vocabulary. Talk about killing the golden goose...

Where's Bookmice? Were you more of Harrigan groupie? Sad that The Silver Basketball was not mentioned? Please post your favourite crazy Toronto kid's shows of all time in the comments below.

Retrontario plumbs the seedy depths of Toronto flea markets, flooded basements, thrift shops and garage sales, mining old VHS and Betamax tapes that less than often contain incredible moments of history that were accidentally recorded but somehow survived the ravages of time. You can find more amazing discoveries at www.retrontario.com.

by Ed Conroy via blogTO